The Legend of Zelda: Link's Best Adventure
by cantankerousChronologist
Summary: Link has to kill a guy. Because why the hell not?


A young man was sleeping in his bed, tossing and turning. His short blond hair was knotted and messy, and he wore a simple green tunic. As he rolled over to his left side once more, he felt a stinging sensation upon his face. He opened his eyes to see a raccoon. Now, this was no ordinary raccoon. It was smaller than usual. And it was mauling him. Frightened, he hopped out of bed and grabbed the nearest blunt object. He began to whack the raccoon upside it's skull with said blunt object. This, however, succeeded only in angering the furry menace. The young man decided to attempt to pull the raccoon from his face. This act caused the raccoon to squeal, which summon even more raccoons. About four more, actually, and all of them were very angry. All four raccoons wrestled with the man until he fell out of his open window.

Down he fell, crashing through tree branches as he went. By the time he had fallen three stories he had hit the ground below. The raccoons were smeared across the tree's trunk. The young man gazed upward at his tree house. It was, as mentioned before, elevated three stories above the ground. The house itself was very basic. It was made of the tree's bark and was furnished with a bed. A ladder climbed from the ground to the door of his house. Suddenly, a thought occurred to the man.

"Why do I live in a tree house? I'm twenty years old," he said to no one in particular.

As he finished climbing up the large ladder, his head bumped into something strange. He angled his head to see what was above him. He was greeted with a very fine specimen of male genitalia. Scared, he balled his left hand into a fist and struck upward. Whatever the genitalia was attached to fell onto its back, leaving enough room for the man to finish his ascent. The genitalia were attached to a rather fat man who was clad in nothing but a toga. At current he was clutching them, as if he were in pain.

"Who the hell are you?"  
"I'm X. Position!" the toga-man cheerily replied, despite being in excruciating pain.

"Exposition?" the young man asked X.

"No, no, no. X is my first initial. It's short for 'exposition.'"

"Exposition position?"

X. nodded enthusiastically as he picked himself up from the floor. "Are you Link?" he asked.

Surprised, the man stated, "Yeah."

"Good, good. I have important news for you."  
"Really now?"

"Yep, yep. You have to kill someone!"  
"What."

"More specifically, you have to kill a guy."

"That helps."  
"You need to kill the evil Ganondorf, to be the most precise."  
Link eyed X. suspiciously.

"You must stop Ganondorf's evil plan!"

"right. And, uh, what's his evil plan?"

"Oh, well, he's going to... uh... you see it's... he's... um... err... I mean... um... he's doing stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"Evil stuff, okay?"

"Uh huh. And why do I have to stop him instead of an army of trained knights?"

"Because fuck you, that's why."

"Do I at least get a sword?"

"Nah, that's for you to get by yourself. Oh, but I do have this for you." X. handed Link a piece of paper.

Link pushed X. off the edge of his doorway. X. hit the ground with a satisfying _splat_. As he walked back into his house, Link grabbed his trusty hat and placed it upon its rightful throne. He turned around and found his sword and shield. After equipping his things, he set out on a long journey.

For days Link searched for Ganondorf's evil lair. The days turned into weeks, the weeks into… well, nothing really. They were weeks.

At long last Link had stumbled upon Ganondorf's lair. In actuality, this "lair" was more of a run-down shack. It looked like it could accommodate maybe one or two men, at most. Link shrugged and kicked down the door.

A very tall man was sitting on a chair and reading a book. As his door hit the ground, he set his book down and removed the reading glasses he was wearing.

"Ganondorf! I've come to slay you!" Link shouted at the man.

Ganondorf's reply was a very flat "What."

"You've performed a great evil! I think. Maybe. I dunno."

Ganondorf nodded his head thoughtfully. "And when was this?"

"Uh," Link began. He suddenly remembered the paper X. had handed to him and looked at it. "Three weeks ago at eleven P.M."

"…I was at a restaurant."

"Seriously?"  
"Yeah."

"Huh." Link scratched his head. "Did you do anything even mildly evil?"

Ganondorf though for a moment, and then replied, "I think I forgot to tip my waitress."

"Then I am going to be forced to slay you for… not," Link paused for a second. "tipping your wait—" he cut himself off. "You know what?" he started again. "Fuck this. This is ridiculous. I'm going home."

And so he did.


End file.
